Don't allow your hope to be deferred... it makes your heart sick.

So King Solomon.... kicking it biblical times... was known as a man who God offered one request and the King asked for wisdom. Out of his wisdom and relationship with God, Solomon wrote several books, one of which was proverbs. It is arguably one of the most practical books on wisdom and advice... the christian version of "ancient Chinese wisdom" texts. Well in Chapter 13, verse 12 it states this, 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,   

but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life"

Well that makes sense but its one of those phrases people generally use in regards to when what they want doesn't happen for them. I would argue its a point of perspective and that what the author may be trying to convey isn't that when things don't go our way our heart gets sick, but rather that if we refocus our attention on the areas of our lives that have fulfillment, blessings,  dreams that came true, and answered prayers, that focusing on those things will create in us a healthy sturdy tree of living life to its fullest. Now take whatever you may out of this... but realize it isn't telling you what will happen when things don't go your way, or you lose something, or hope for something that didn't happen that you are automatically gonna be sick in heart and give yourself permission to pout and give place to something that is not supposed to be there. Even worse is that we use scriptural reference to back up our sin.... sorry it's not right. This scripture is wisdom to give you a chance to refuse to let your heart, mind, or spirit get sick but rather to combat the easy way out and fight to remember and embrace what is all good and beautiful and right in your world... even if all you can muster up is the revelation that God loves you... that it no meager thing. You have everlasting, eternal, unconditional love and support from the most powerful being in the Universe. God, the greatest of all things and beings, who created something from nothing, who doesn't need anyone or anything.... He chose to love you. That is a whole lot of right going on in your life, even if everything else is so difficult its hard to see any shred of light through the shit storm..(sorry). So here it is... no easy task, but if your heart is sick its your fault... fix it with some Godly truth and perspective, because your worth it.

(For my single FEMALE audience... men feel free to read but your section is below) 

One of my soap boxes is women who are obsessed with getting married and having kids and finding that guy... now anyone who knows me... I mean anyone.... probably knows that its my soapbox because I spent so many years living in that box, not standing above it, so no judgement here. BUT.... I have heard myself and too many other christian women use the scripture above as a justification for boo-hooing our way through no plus one's at weddings, sitting alone at dinner, eyeing everyone elses children and wishing we had our own.... vats of ice-cream, too many boxes of tissue,  and chick-flicks. GET OVER YOURSELF! As odd as this statement is... your life isn't just about you... sorry. When a man doesn't like you it's ok, obviously he isn't the man God has destined for you and furthermore why would you want someone to settle for you? ...especially when you deserve someone who will never have to be convinced or flirted into or manipulated with plates of cookies and batting of eyelashes... to know what God already knows about you... your magnificent, captivating and worth having someone value and cherish you to the degree that it reminds you of God's love. Now nobody is perfect, if that is a shock to you.... we have bigger problems than trying to find your life fullfillment in a relationship or acceptance from a man. So I have had one or two (at least) painful DTR's in my lifetime... for those who haven't been raised in church or attended bible school... a DTR is a "define the relationship" talk, for those friendships that are a wee bit confusing as to what the intentionality is... well I used to walk away from them feeling rejected and not enough. Those feelings are disgustingly self loathing behavior which is not only damaging to yourself but also your heart and spirit. Oh and you're basically calling God a liar... because you are Beautiful, you are Captivating, you are ENOUGH and if you listen, and read, God is our greatest champion. Take it from me... no matter how amazing that man might be... the one you have been crushing on you might have just crushed you with his words and rejection... he did you a favor. Because most likely the reason he is saying no... is to give a way and chance for the one God intends for you to someday say yes. This is no time to allow your heart to get weepy and sick and hardened and start building up walls where love not only can't get in without a serious deal of work, but more importantly its hard to let love out. The person you are supposed to be with deserves a wall free chance at love. Your job is to protect your heart with Godly wisdom and counsel, remind yourself that dreams do come true... eventually and that true love is worth waiting for and above all... that you are a daughter of God, cherished and loved and perhaps the reason for "not now" in your love life is because of one incredible man still unseen over the hills in the horizon, and that man is worth waiting for. Believe this to be true and you will honor yourself and God's plan for your life.

Ok its time for the men.... you didn't think you would get off so easy now did ya.... 

Ok so just because it is her job to not pine away and act desperate and place all her hopes and dreams for happily ever after on a few dates on you... you have your place in this dance of life prior to "I Do" as well. So DTR's are not the funnest thing in the world in general, but please take it from me. If you are hanging out alone with a woman, taking her to dinner, hiking, movies, any array of fun things with just the two of you, its a date. She will most likely assume you like her and are getting to know her to see if you want to build a relationship. Now trust me I have several amazing guy friends who are just friends but here is the loop hole... 90% of woman can't just be friends with you, and if your honest neither can most men. The only way I was able to keep my friendships platonic was to CLEARLY communicate that due to our differences in various catagories, (ie religion, goals, dreams, personality mixtures, attraction, etc.) that we were never going to be anything more than JUST FRIENDS and we could openly communicate if we developed feelings and set boundaries and in the end we all stayed friends, but this is the exception, not the rule. I believe that we are created to recognize the beauty and difference in each-other and the more investment into each-other the more likely you will develop feelings. Anyway so here it is... the DTR is upon you. Please make this easier by being clear from the beginning that you are interested or not interested. Don't make a woman guess, until she hears it from you (and believe me most likely all of her closest friends are weighing in to try and tell her that you like her or don't like her) she shouldn't jump to conclusions, but it happens. I understand that this boldness can be scary, especially when woman, even more so christian women, are known to be serial over-reactors/future planners (i.e. pinterest wedding boards, seeing if your last name goes nicely with her first, thinking of what your hypothetical future children might look like, etc.) but this step and boldness is necessary to protect both of your hearts and set healthy boundaries accordingly, you will do a great disservice to someone by making assumptions that they know how you feel based on your actions, no gender has the "mind reading" super power... hence why communication and the lack thereof is the leading cause of divorce and unhealthy relationships, so start on the right foot. ALSO... if you don't like a woman, don't make the reasons why you don't like her be about her... its about you and how you feel or don't feel in this case. It is not necessary to say things like "I am just not attracted to you",  you can just say that you don't think they are the right fit for you and leave it there... giving reasons is hurtful and damaging to self esteem in most cases, and if the heart is saying no... the reasons are moot. Care enough about the other person to protect them and if they ask for specifics it's okay to deny that request, you will come across less like a jerk in the end. (This rule doesn't really apply as much if you have been in a committed relationship with them and are ending it, you probably should give a reason, just be honorable about it.) Also... do not say... "we can just be friends" unless you actually want to be friends and feel like that is possible while still honoring each other, otherwise it a cop-out and in the long run you will look like a bigger jerk. Men, I don't envy you and the place God has given you, its a great responsibility but you were created to live up to the challenge. Please honor the women of God that He places in your life, and be prayerfully seeking God for HIS opinion on the matter as well. Respect them enough to not make them guess, to protect their hearts with clear communication and honesty. Be one of the men who when women think back on dates with you or DTR's that they think.... "wow some woman is going to be really lucky someday" and "It's amazing to think that God has someone better for me than even him, he is pretty amazing." (side note- you cannot control how someone will react or think about you, or even feel about you, but you can be honorable, kind, considerate and honest and know you did your best with a daughter of the King.) Good luck to you and blessings. 

Ok hopping off my soapbox now.... with Hope, and full of life :)