Don't allow your hope to be deferred... it makes your heart sick.

So King Solomon.... kicking it biblical times... was known as a man who God offered one request and the King asked for wisdom. Out of his wisdom and relationship with God, Solomon wrote several books, one of which was proverbs. It is arguably one of the most practical books on wisdom and advice... the christian version of "ancient Chinese wisdom" texts. Well in Chapter 13, verse 12 it states this, 

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick,   

but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life"

Well that makes sense but its one of those phrases people generally use in regards to when what they want doesn't happen for them. I would argue its a point of perspective and that what the author may be trying to convey isn't that when things don't go our way our heart gets sick, but rather that if we refocus our attention on the areas of our lives that have fulfillment, blessings,  dreams that came true, and answered prayers, that focusing on those things will create in us a healthy sturdy tree of living life to its fullest. Now take whatever you may out of this... but realize it isn't telling you what will happen when things don't go your way, or you lose something, or hope for something that didn't happen that you are automatically gonna be sick in heart and give yourself permission to pout and give place to something that is not supposed to be there. Even worse is that we use scriptural reference to back up our sin.... sorry it's not right. This scripture is wisdom to give you a chance to refuse to let your heart, mind, or spirit get sick but rather to combat the easy way out and fight to remember and embrace what is all good and beautiful and right in your world... even if all you can muster up is the revelation that God loves you... that it no meager thing. You have everlasting, eternal, unconditional love and support from the most powerful being in the Universe. God, the greatest of all things and beings, who created something from nothing, who doesn't need anyone or anything.... He chose to love you. That is a whole lot of right going on in your life, even if everything else is so difficult its hard to see any shred of light through the shit storm..(sorry). So here it is... no easy task, but if your heart is sick its your fault... fix it with some Godly truth and perspective, because your worth it.

(For my single FEMALE audience... men feel free to read but your section is below) 

One of my soap boxes is women who are obsessed with getting married and having kids and finding that guy... now anyone who knows me... I mean anyone.... probably knows that its my soapbox because I spent so many years living in that box, not standing above it, so no judgement here. BUT.... I have heard myself and too many other christian women use the scripture above as a justification for boo-hooing our way through no plus one's at weddings, sitting alone at dinner, eyeing everyone elses children and wishing we had our own.... vats of ice-cream, too many boxes of tissue,  and chick-flicks. GET OVER YOURSELF! As odd as this statement is... your life isn't just about you... sorry. When a man doesn't like you it's ok, obviously he isn't the man God has destined for you and furthermore why would you want someone to settle for you? ...especially when you deserve someone who will never have to be convinced or flirted into or manipulated with plates of cookies and batting of eyelashes... to know what God already knows about you... your magnificent, captivating and worth having someone value and cherish you to the degree that it reminds you of God's love. Now nobody is perfect, if that is a shock to you.... we have bigger problems than trying to find your life fullfillment in a relationship or acceptance from a man. So I have had one or two (at least) painful DTR's in my lifetime... for those who haven't been raised in church or attended bible school... a DTR is a "define the relationship" talk, for those friendships that are a wee bit confusing as to what the intentionality is... well I used to walk away from them feeling rejected and not enough. Those feelings are disgustingly self loathing behavior which is not only damaging to yourself but also your heart and spirit. Oh and you're basically calling God a liar... because you are Beautiful, you are Captivating, you are ENOUGH and if you listen, and read, God is our greatest champion. Take it from me... no matter how amazing that man might be... the one you have been crushing on you might have just crushed you with his words and rejection... he did you a favor. Because most likely the reason he is saying no... is to give a way and chance for the one God intends for you to someday say yes. This is no time to allow your heart to get weepy and sick and hardened and start building up walls where love not only can't get in without a serious deal of work, but more importantly its hard to let love out. The person you are supposed to be with deserves a wall free chance at love. Your job is to protect your heart with Godly wisdom and counsel, remind yourself that dreams do come true... eventually and that true love is worth waiting for and above all... that you are a daughter of God, cherished and loved and perhaps the reason for "not now" in your love life is because of one incredible man still unseen over the hills in the horizon, and that man is worth waiting for. Believe this to be true and you will honor yourself and God's plan for your life.

Ok its time for the men.... you didn't think you would get off so easy now did ya.... 

Ok so just because it is her job to not pine away and act desperate and place all her hopes and dreams for happily ever after on a few dates on you... you have your place in this dance of life prior to "I Do" as well. So DTR's are not the funnest thing in the world in general, but please take it from me. If you are hanging out alone with a woman, taking her to dinner, hiking, movies, any array of fun things with just the two of you, its a date. She will most likely assume you like her and are getting to know her to see if you want to build a relationship. Now trust me I have several amazing guy friends who are just friends but here is the loop hole... 90% of woman can't just be friends with you, and if your honest neither can most men. The only way I was able to keep my friendships platonic was to CLEARLY communicate that due to our differences in various catagories, (ie religion, goals, dreams, personality mixtures, attraction, etc.) that we were never going to be anything more than JUST FRIENDS and we could openly communicate if we developed feelings and set boundaries and in the end we all stayed friends, but this is the exception, not the rule. I believe that we are created to recognize the beauty and difference in each-other and the more investment into each-other the more likely you will develop feelings. Anyway so here it is... the DTR is upon you. Please make this easier by being clear from the beginning that you are interested or not interested. Don't make a woman guess, until she hears it from you (and believe me most likely all of her closest friends are weighing in to try and tell her that you like her or don't like her) she shouldn't jump to conclusions, but it happens. I understand that this boldness can be scary, especially when woman, even more so christian women, are known to be serial over-reactors/future planners (i.e. pinterest wedding boards, seeing if your last name goes nicely with her first, thinking of what your hypothetical future children might look like, etc.) but this step and boldness is necessary to protect both of your hearts and set healthy boundaries accordingly, you will do a great disservice to someone by making assumptions that they know how you feel based on your actions, no gender has the "mind reading" super power... hence why communication and the lack thereof is the leading cause of divorce and unhealthy relationships, so start on the right foot. ALSO... if you don't like a woman, don't make the reasons why you don't like her be about her... its about you and how you feel or don't feel in this case. It is not necessary to say things like "I am just not attracted to you",  you can just say that you don't think they are the right fit for you and leave it there... giving reasons is hurtful and damaging to self esteem in most cases, and if the heart is saying no... the reasons are moot. Care enough about the other person to protect them and if they ask for specifics it's okay to deny that request, you will come across less like a jerk in the end. (This rule doesn't really apply as much if you have been in a committed relationship with them and are ending it, you probably should give a reason, just be honorable about it.) Also... do not say... "we can just be friends" unless you actually want to be friends and feel like that is possible while still honoring each other, otherwise it a cop-out and in the long run you will look like a bigger jerk. Men, I don't envy you and the place God has given you, its a great responsibility but you were created to live up to the challenge. Please honor the women of God that He places in your life, and be prayerfully seeking God for HIS opinion on the matter as well. Respect them enough to not make them guess, to protect their hearts with clear communication and honesty. Be one of the men who when women think back on dates with you or DTR's that they think.... "wow some woman is going to be really lucky someday" and "It's amazing to think that God has someone better for me than even him, he is pretty amazing." (side note- you cannot control how someone will react or think about you, or even feel about you, but you can be honorable, kind, considerate and honest and know you did your best with a daughter of the King.) Good luck to you and blessings. 

Ok hopping off my soapbox now.... with Hope, and full of life :) 

Pain has a purpose.....

Ok.. so from a medical standpoint pain is not a disease, there is no one course of treatment or "cure". We have to find the cause of the pain and treat that. Pain is a symptom, a reaction. But pain always has a purpose. It is your bodies way of saying hey, be careful, take it easy or stop what you are doing. It alerts you that something is wrong and hopefully motivates you to seek some kind of help.

In this current season there are many small painful moments when I am stretched beyond my comfort zone, feel lonely and far away from friends, or whatever other emotional moment I am happening to have. Not being present for Harmony for her second birth and missing several friends weddings, I am saddened and there is a tinge of pain realizing what I have missed. But I am not taking about a metaphorical kink in my neck or a paper cut... I mean more of the real gut busting, cry until you can't breathe, dreams shattered kind of pain. 

I am inspired to write this blog by my dear friend Harmony who just brought into the world another beautiful treasure, a new life. Now that process is infamous for being one of the worst pains anyone can experience. The transition is altering and the physical sacrifice is great, but that pain in particular  has a purpose. Birth in particular can be a powerful process and a very visual and resonating portrayal of giving of ones self for another.  It can be one horrible day of labor and exhaustion and pain that lingers... but the beauty of the moment when you get to see the results of that sacrifice and hold in your hands the gift that the painful process brought about, the pain is given purpose. Beautifully, for most women the reality of the depth of pain fades into the background and love and joy floods the present and their sacrifice has merit and value. Pain has purpose.

Now treating the heart and mind can be much harder than treating the body.  Now as a nurse I have ways to try and make the pain seemingly disappear by telling the brain that the pain doesn't exist or distracting the individual enough that the pain isn't the center focus or is dulled. We have pain killers and soothers, can swaddle a baby or offer a warm blanket. Now we all try and do this in our lives... some use substances to numb pain or reality, others run, some ignore it and eventually walk with a limp, you get the idea. Like I said before, pain is just the symptom...

So here it is... pain has purpose. Both physically and emotionally. They are both loud blaring alerts that something, somewhere is wrong and needs attention. But what I believe we lack is the recognition of the beauty of what painful seasons bring about in our lives. We are all happy to see change and improvement in ourselves and often want to hide our scars. But I know for myself that some of my hardest seasons have brought about some of the most amazing facets of who I am. It is the seasons where I learned to embrace my weaknesses, allow myself to be ok not being perfect, to embrace the pain of transition and failures and all that comes with life and let the pain tell me something needs attention that I find the greatest amount of growth. To find the root, to treat the cause, not hide the symptom. In Christianity it is not often popular to be anything but a smiling, happy, "nothing's wrong", I'm perfect kinda of person. It should be ok to be yourself 100% of the time and not to be afraid of being a bit human, fallible. Here is my point (a bit late maybe)... but this is life, its messy and imperfect and with all the love and laughter is an equal dose of reality, pain and self sacrifice. If you want one you are going to have the other. Not all painful things have the luxury of having such a tangible gift at the end of it, like labor does. But your all smart enough to seek and find the treasure in ourselves, in our seasons if you are brave enough to do so.

So here it is... if you are fighting pain of any various level... (I mean mainly emotionally), embrace the process, find the root cause, and realize that these moments, that pain, once healed and you can look back at it a whole person again. Don't forget to see the beauty of these moments and remember who you were and what you have gained from it. Find the beauty and purpose in your own pain. If you can't and things were too terrible to try and find any light or beauty in... ask God where He was in those moments, remind yourself that He never left you and always loves you.

For me... pain often tells me a couple things...
#1. I am probably not trusting the Lord... or at least leaning on him the way I should.
#2. My expectations for my life might not have been centered on reality or biblical foundation.
#3 I have forgotten that I gave God the reins in my life a long time ago and I have asked Him to make decisions and guide me with His and my relationship as the thing that matters most.
#4. There is something inside me that I need to see in a different light, or a lie I am believing, etc.
#5. Life comes with it loss and heartache and my perspective is if I am not  thankful for the time I had or the love I was given or whatever it might be, I loose the purpose in the pain and it all seems pointless. In that case I have missed the mark completely.

It is in some of my greatest and most EPIC failures that I have found the glimmering beauty of my life. Had I not gotten sick in Africa and had to leave behind a dream of a year spent overseas in a land I had longed to be apart of since I was a child... I mourned that loss and felt like a failure. But had I not gotten sick, I never would be sitting on a couch in Idaho writing this into the void of the internet. My life would be drastically different and probably still pretty good but that shattering of a dream caused me to hold tight to God, build a stronger foundation, and put my value and trust in Him and not in my own perceptions. My relationship with my faith and God grew substantially and I will never forget it. That pain gave my life great purpose.

You will never know the purpose of the pain in the moment, you have to walk out the other side, completing the process of pain to healing to fully respect and honor what that process did for you. Don't let the disappointments, failures, or whatever else you may have experienced that caused pain be pointless, give them value by focusing on what you have gained while still being honest with what you have lost. Don't hide the symptom, find the Cure and honor the process.

What I have gathered from being single so long...

So this may only really matter to a female audience but Men feel free to brave the mind of a woman... you might learn something valuable... or have a laugh.

This blog will be in honor of those who are wanting God's best for their life and love and love life. I am inspired to write this based on a handful of amazing woman who are proving their strength and merit by standing by their husbands after near death events, another who has given her life for the service of those in small huts in African villages and loving God's children like few I have ever met, and she does this with only one man at her side... Jesus.

Here is what I gather from my own life, corrections and reminders from God, and from my friends and others radical and life given faith....

#1. No one person was meant to fulfill you, make you happy or be your "all in all"... that is the place for only God. Not to say that love and marriage don't have happy moments or fulfilling days, but it is NEVER the other person's job to make you fulfilled. You are in charge of your own happiness, contentment and the amount of love you choose to give away. Don't place that burden on anyone... it is far too much to ask.

#2. Life is not easy... fairy-tales have lied to us all. Now I still believe that epic love stories exist and people get swept off their feet and all that beautiful mushy stuff, however this also causes some people to feel as though they didn't get the dream, that they settled for a 'boring' life. But if you look at the movies none of them tell you what happens when prince charming keeps forgetting to pick up his royally dirty underwear or Cinderella buys too many glass slippers. Fairy Tales intentionally leave you not knowing the end... not hearing about life after the honeymoon and the rose colored glasses have cleared. Life in general is not supposed to be anything in particular. The bible even warns us that trials and tribulations should be expected, that hardships are normal. LIFE HAPPENS. I have met too many woman who have changed too many diapers and look at their life and don't realize what they have accomplished, what a rare feat it is to raise a child up in a loving and kind home.

#3. "I want" is a dangerous foundation on which to built a relationship. All through high-school and into my young twenties I was obsessed with getting married and having a family, I didn't want much of anything else. It was my greatest dream and aspiration. Ok so I was a bit crazy... boy crazy. It wasn't until a couple years ago that I realized that marriage would give me the power and access into someone's life and heart to love them but also hurt them deeper than anyone else. I realized the weight that my dreams carried and suddenly I was scared. (Now refer back to point one... I am not saying that the weight of that invisible person's entire happiness was now on my shoulders, but rather that Selfishness should not be part of the foundation on which I build a "forever".) Most of our internal universe is motivated by what we feel we have to do or want to do... this should not be the case for relationships. What I want still matters and my dreams are important but marriage comes with it the "in sickness and in health, for better or worse, till death do us part." Love and selfishness cannot co-exist within an motivation. If we give from love rather than a need to feel important or valued we give that person something far more valuable than daily actions, we give them God's love in reflection and that is far more valuable. If you are single... make sure you desire to be married holds with it the understanding that with that gift comes great responsibility and trust me... spiderman's got nothing on this.

#4. Still single and wondering if "he" will ever show up... Their is a dichotomy here that I cannot define, one side of the argument is that I truly believe that God cares about my heart and dreams and wants to see them fulfilled. But the other side of that reality is that God does not promise me my dreams, does not owe me my perfect life. If I get the chance to someday be a wife and mom that would be amazing... but I refuse to let the fulfillment or lack their of define the value of my life and my gift to society. What my life writes in history only God knows... the smallest act of love and sacrifice should ripple into someone's life I have never met and will never know the impact of who we are and the life we lived until God shows us from heaven. The value of my life is not mine to measure.

#5. You already have PERFECTION. Let me clarify... you are not perfect, neither am I. However I already have the greatest love in the Universe. I have a man who sacrificed his life, gave up immortality for a season, suffered greatly all so that He could give me a gift of love, to offer me the ability to have a relationship with Him for eternity. No mere man will ever be able to touch that kind of love that I already have pursuing my heart. God holds the blueprints of my soul, knows the intricate details of my dreams and loves me with unconditional love. It is easy to forget that, to want something more tangible, more human and forget what I already have. My friend in Africa and her very vocal relationship with God is inspiring and God has truly been her husband, taken care of her, and watched over her for years as she watched over so many amazing people that God loves. The truth is we all have the perfect love story, the most epic and grand gesture of love anyone has ever done or anyone else. When you are searching for that "perfect love" know that you already possess it. From my perspective, God owes me nothing and has given me more than I could ever hope or imagine. If you are married- make sure your spouse isn't trying to be God to you. If you are single, remember that all you will ever find is second best and that is beautifully orchestrated that way. So let your "dream guy" or "dream gal" off those white chargers and out of those painful glass slippers and let them be themselves, flaws, quirks and all. Embrace the imperfections and orchestrations of two people. They will never be God... never be perfect, embrace that reality and know you already have PERFECT.

Just Because

You would think change would be easy by now....

You might think that someone who has traveled to over 10 countries, slept on dirt floors in Africa, moved over twenty times in ten years would be a pro at change... this is simply not the case. I think as a young adult the wanderlust of life and adventure was fresh on my skipping steps and made the rapid changes in my life exciting... but the older I get the more i wish I had roots in one or two places. My closest friends are scattered around the world and my family, although only a day drive away,... is not just around the corner. Community is something to be celebrated and embraced and the loss of the closeness of those communities involves a grieving, at least for me. I realize now that all my previous moves, travels and adventures seemed far less daunting than the one I am currently embarked on. You see all the others had a time limit, I was there to accomplish a goal, or attend a school. All in all I have attended over five different colleges, and lived in Oregon, Washington, California, New Mexico, Idaho (previously for a few months), and Tanzania. But I knew all of those places were most likely temporary and kinda like a long vacation... therefore although I built great connections and made lifelong friends, the idea of a temporary place did not cause me to build a great attachment or want to stake out a homestead of sorts.

 The permanence of this particular move is scary. I know that now I am building a lifelong career and for the first time ever I will not have anything stored at my parents place, everything I own will be Uhauled across state lines and land in the cute duplex I am renting in Boise. Today I will sign papers with a 2.5 year contract, sign up for health and life insurance, arrange for utility companies to come to the house, get car insurance, and do all the adult things that I have been lucky enough to skirt around for the last ten years. This move, unlike all the others feels real and scary but also holds within it a sense of home that I haven't had in a long time.

Now don't get me wrong, I have loved and cherished my crazy adventurous life, all I have gotten to do and see and experience. I have fully lived my young life and I don't regret a moment of its crazy beauty, unforgettable storms, and even the painful stuff. I am who I am because of those moments. But now I think I am ready to change the shape and expression of my life to be less like a migrating bird and more like an Ent.... (a LOTR creature).

So if you are like me and adventure and change has been the rhythm of your life you might think I am crazy for turning in my wings for roots, but its my season to do this. I have amazing friends who may never choose the roots route, who in the core of their being are made for lifelong adventures, but I am also made for community. I believe we were created to need others, to innately crave a sense of community, although you are required to share your life with others can be daunting, but also extremely fulfilling. Now this does not mean that I will not have my moments of crazy amazing, where I get to continue to see the world and travel and taste adventure, the difference now is that I have a place to land, a safe and welcoming nest that is mine. It is still terrifying as it is unknown but I choose to fully embrace it.

So if you are one who has always had roots and were afraid of your wings- I challenge you to face that fear even in small steps to live out your dreams. One of my favorite people says this... "If you dreams do not scare you or are not above your ability level... you are not dreaming big enough"

If you are on the cover of National Geographic jumping off mountains or living in a hide for months- this article is most likely complete crap to you... but I would challenge you to find a home, a safe place that can hold part of your heart in the hands of your community and people you share your life with.

Both lives has their own unique beauty. What I am really saying is don't let Fear be a deciding force in anything you do or don't do. Faith, Hope, Love, Passions, Wisdom, and Courage are the foundations on which your dreams are built and can shine. I am still afraid of this great unknown but that fear will not be the voice I listen as I continue this new and unique adventure of building a home....

Thank you to all of who traveled with me on this crazy adventure of life, all though you are all over the world. I miss and love each of you.

A New Beginning

My "Niece" Sierra just after she was born

Today is my first official day as an Idahoan. I just moved to the Boise area from Seattle, by way of Bend Oregon. Its been a journey, but let me back up and tell you a story. See this move is the culmination of a lifelong dream coming true. To spend my life, or at least a portion of it being a nurse. That might seem like an odd career choice, its not glamorous, or held in high esteem, I will not win awards or stand on stages.... but it is my dream. But the why behind the dream is the reason I am facing my own frontier, braving my way mostly alone to be where God has called me to be, and to live a lifelong dream.

Nursing has been apart of my life for a very long time. As a child my mother was sick and I did little things to take care of her and try to make her feel better. Helped change my brothers diapers and grew up loving taking care of others. But, It wasn't until I got really sick and landed in the hospital that I realized the impact that a complete stranger could have on my life. It was one doctor, Doctor Mary Brown, a local pediatrician that I give credit for saving my life. Without her I am not sure I would be around to write this. She spent all night with me in the Emergency room and talked with me, rolled me to the prayer chapel and sat with me. In one of my most vulnerable and scariest moments a complete stranger made me feel safe, protected, and valuable. I knew after meeting her that I wanted to be that for others. After high-school and many missions trips around the world, I didn't know what form the passion I had to love and serve others would morph into. I had studied to be a midwife and that didn't work out and I couldn't finish my training, so I pursued in home healthcare and worked with disabled adults and the elderly for about eight years. I attended bible college to learn how to love God and others better and be a clearer reflection of my faith to those around me. In that time I also pursued my creative outlets and became the proud owner of a small fashion house, however that dream to give back still kept knocking on the door of my heart. I had pursued pre-nursing for a year back in 2005 but after a bad personal loss I let it go for a time. It wasn't until 2008 that I began to seriously look into going back to school and finishing my nursing career, it was scary and I wasn't 18 anymore. I did another year of pre-reqs at Central Oregon Community college in my home town and then got accepted into Northwest University in Kirkland Washington. It was two years of grueling work and very little sleep. But in May of 2013 I walked across a stage with my family watching and held in my hand my Bachelors of Science in Nursing degree. Now all I had to do was pass my boards, find a job and begin my career.... little did I know that those few small tasks would land me in Boise Idaho.

I was a shoe-in for a job at Seattle Children's hospital in Seattle, my dream job. I would have been working in the Pediatric Intensive Care unit as one bad ass nurse in the new graduate program. It was a blow to my ego and heart when I received a phone call that I wasn't one of the final four candidates that would be hired. Even Molly, the nurse educator, told me that she was baffled that we couldn't offer me the job and that it didn't make sense. I felt that it must be the Lord leading me somewhere else... never expected it would be here. I was offered two other jobs, and I turned them both down because they were not what I wanted... then a month went by and all my applications seemed to be sucked into a black hole and I was just another new graduate with no real experience and very much at the bottom of the totem pole. It wasn't until the end of June that I started branching out and looking at hospitals in various states that offered new graduate programs.. and Saint Luke's of Boise was one of the only places that seemed intriguing and I applied. Two weeks later I got two different phone calls, one from another local hospital in the Boise area and the other from Saint Luke's. In the end both positions would offer me the job and I ended up feeling more led to take the one at Saint Luke's. Within three weeks of applying I was in Boise for an interview, at the end I had the job and a short month later I will be starting a job in the career I have wanted all my life.

At twenty eight years old my life is different than I imagined it would be when I was younger, but the adventure I am on was worth the wait, it is important enough to me to fight for and I am excited to see what new opportunities God opens up for me in this new place. I will be in Idaho for at the very least three years. So raise your glasses dear friends, cheers to dreams coming true, to new horizons and bright futures. Now drink it all in and go out and make your dreams come true!